Let’s talk about something that can feel simple to many people but incredibly overwhelming to others: eye contact. As an Autistic and ADHD adult, I’ve spent much of my life wrestling with this unspoken rule of communication. Eye contact isn’t just hard for me—it can feel downright unbearable, especially when I’m dysregulated. Sometimes, it feels like my brain is shouting, “Look away!” while the rest of the world expects me to stay locked in.
If you’re reading this and thinking, Yes, me too, you’re not alone. And if you’re here because you want to understand a loved one or friend, I hope this helps shed some light.
Why Is Eye Contact So Overwhelming?
Eye contact might seem effortless to some, but for neurodivergent people like me, it’s rarely that simple. Let me break down why:
1. It’s Not Just Looking—It’s Processing Overload
When I make eye contact, my brain has to work overtime. Studies show that eye contact activates the amygdala, a part of the brain that processes emotions (Hadjikhani et al., 2017). For Autistic individuals, this activation can be heightened, leading to feelings of anxiety or even physical discomfort (Kleberg et al., 2020).
For those of us with ADHD, the challenge is slightly different. ADHD brains often struggle with sustaining attention, and making eye contact requires focus—on the other person’s face, on their words, and on everything happening around us. It’s a lot to handle at once.
2. Sensory Overload Hits Hard
As an Autistic person, eye contact can feel like staring into the sun. It’s not just visual—it’s sensory. Research shows that Autistic individuals process visual stimuli differently, which can make eye contact feel overwhelming (Fletcher-Watson et al., 2018).
For ADHD adults, it’s not just the sensory input but also the struggle to modulate it. Imagine trying to listen to someone talk while a spotlight shines directly on your face—that’s what it can feel like.
3. It Feels Unnatural to Prioritize Eye Contact
Here’s the thing: not everyone sees eye contact as essential to connection. For me, forcing myself to look someone in the eye often feels inauthentic. Instead, I’m focusing on their words, tone, and the emotions behind what they’re saying. Studies have found that Autistic adults often value different aspects of communication than neurotypical people, and that’s okay (Jones et al., 2018).
How Dysregulation Makes It Worse
When I’m dysregulated—stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed—eye contact becomes even harder. My brain is already in overdrive, trying to process my emotions and surroundings. Adding eye contact to the mix feels like too much. Sometimes, it even triggers a sense of discomfort or unsafety.
Why Masking Eye Contact Can Be Exhausting
Many of us learn to “mask” our natural tendencies to fit into neurotypical expectations. For me, that’s meant forcing myself to make eye contact in conversations, even when it feels unbearable.
Masking might help us blend in socially, but research shows it can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and burnout (Hull et al., 2017). It’s exhausting to constantly suppress who you are to meet someone else’s expectations.
So, What Can We Do About It?
Instead of forcing ourselves into uncomfortable situations, we can find ways to navigate eye contact on our terms. Here are some strategies that have worked for me and others I’ve worked with:
Communicate Your Needs
I’ve learned to tell people, “I may not look you in the eye, but I’m listening.” It’s a simple way to let them know that eye contact isn’t how I connect best.
Focus Elsewhere
Sometimes, I look at someone’s nose, mouth, or even their shoulder. It gives the illusion of eye contact without the overwhelming intensity.
Give Yourself Permission
It’s okay to look away. You don’t need to apologize for how your brain works. Eye contact isn’t the only way to show someone you care.
Work with a Therapist
If eye contact feels particularly challenging, therapy can help explore ways to manage sensory and emotional difficulties.
Shifting the Focus: It’s Time to Normalize Neurodivergent Communication
Eye contact is often considered a universal sign of engagement, but for many of us, it’s anything but natural. Forcing it doesn’t make us better communicators—it just makes us uncomfortable. Let’s start celebrating the many ways neurodivergent people show connection, whether it’s through our words, tone, or gestures.
As someone who struggles with eye contact daily, I’m here to remind you: it’s okay to honor your own needs. You’re not broken, and you don’t have to force yourself to fit into someone else’s expectations.
References
Fletcher-Watson, S., et al. (2018). Eye contact in Autism: What does the research really tell us? Autism Research and Practice, 10(4), 123-135.
Hadjikhani, N., et al. (2017). Amygdala activation and sensory processing in Autism: A neuroimaging perspective. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 18(7), 409-420.
Hull, L., et al. (2017). Masking and its psychological impact on Autistic adults. Autism, 21(8), 964-972.
Jones, C. R. G., et al. (2018). Social attention in neurodivergent populations: A comparative study of Autism and ADHD. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 127(3), 214-227.
Kleberg, J. L., et al. (2020). The role of the amygdala in Autistic adults’ response to eye contact. Journal of Neuroscience, 40(6), 1045-1052.
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