As a therapist certified in ADHD—and someone who lives with it—I understand the challenge of navigating emotional ups and downs. Regulation, whether it’s calming down after a stressful event or finding focus amidst chaos, can feel like an uphill battle. One of the most profound tools I’ve discovered and use personally is co-regulation, the process of using connection with others to regulate emotions and nervous system states.
For adults with ADHD, who often experience heightened emotional dysregulation, co-regulation can be a game-changer. It’s not about being dependent on others—it’s about leveraging the biology of connection to thrive. Let’s dive into why co-regulation works, how it connects to Polyvagal Theory, and practical ways to integrate it into your relationships.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of calming, soothing, or energizing your nervous system through connection with another person. It’s rooted in our biology; humans are social creatures, and our nervous systems are designed to synchronize with those around us. Think of how a baby calms in a parent’s arms—that’s co-regulation in action.
For adults with ADHD, who often struggle with self-regulation, co-regulation provides an external anchor. It helps shift us from a dysregulated state (like anxiety, anger, or shutdown) to a regulated one where we feel safe, connected, and capable.
The Science Behind Co-Regulation and Polyvagal Theory
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains how our autonomic nervous system (ANS) governs our emotional and physiological states. The ANS has three key states:
Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection): Where we feel calm, focused, and socially engaged.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): Where we experience stress, anxiety, or anger.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): Where we feel disconnected, numb, or overwhelmed.
Co-regulation helps activate the ventral vagal state, which is essential for feeling safe and connected. By interacting with someone who is calm and grounded, our nervous system picks up on their cues—like tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions—and begins to mirror their state. This isn’t just psychological; it’s biological. Research shows that social connection can reduce stress hormones like cortisol, enhance emotional regulation, and improve overall mental health. (Porges, 2011)
Why Co-Regulation is Crucial for ADHD Adults
Adults with ADHD often struggle with emotional dysregulation, stemming from difficulties in the prefrontal cortex and dopamine systems. This can make it harder to shift out of heightened states of stress or overwhelm. Co-regulation provides a way to “borrow” the calmness of another person to reset our own nervous system.
Some benefits include:
Reduced Anxiety: Feeling safe with someone can quickly lower stress levels.
Improved Focus: Regulating emotions through connection can free up cognitive resources for tasks.
Decreased Loneliness: ADHD often brings feelings of isolation; co-regulation fosters connection and belonging.
Practical Ways to Co-Regulate with Friends and Partners
Co-regulation isn’t one-size-fits-all—it depends on your unique needs and relationships. Here are some evidence-based strategies to try:
1. Intentional Physical Touch
Physical touch activates the ventral vagal system, signaling safety and connection. Examples include:
Holding hands or hugging a partner.
Sitting close to a friend during a conversation.
Resting your head on someone’s shoulder.
2. Shared Rhythmic Activities
Engaging in activities with a shared rhythm helps regulate the nervous system. Examples:
Taking a walk together at a steady pace.
Dancing to music you both enjoy.
Doing yoga or stretching side by side.
3. Eye Contact and Facial Expressions
Making eye contact and reading facial expressions are powerful ways to connect. Examples:
Sitting face-to-face during a conversation.
Smiling or nodding to show understanding and support.
4. Syncing Breath Patterns
Breathing together can create calmness. Examples:
Practice deep breathing with a partner, matching your inhales and exhales.
Sit quietly together, focusing on slow, rhythmic breaths.
5. Co-Listening
Being truly heard can regulate emotions. Examples:
Sharing your feelings with a friend or partner who listens without judgment.
Practicing active listening with each other, focusing on empathy and understanding.
6. Co-Engaging in Calming Activities
Sharing calming activities fosters connection. Examples:
Watching a soothing show or listening to relaxing music together.
Cooking a meal side by side, focusing on the process rather than the outcome.
Building Co-Regulation into Everyday Life
Co-regulation doesn’t have to be formal or forced; it can be woven into daily interactions. The key is intentionality. Here’s how to start:
Communicate Your Needs: Let friends or partners know when you’re feeling dysregulated and how they can support you.
Create Rituals: Build consistent co-regulation activities into your routines, like a nightly check-in with your partner.
Be Reciprocal: Co-regulation goes both ways—support others when they need it, too.
A Personal Note
As someone with ADHD, I’ve leaned on co-regulation more times than I can count. When my mind races or I feel overwhelmed, a simple hug from a loved one or a walk with a friend can bring me back to center. It’s not a sign of weakness—it’s using the tools we’re biologically wired to rely on.
If you’re struggling with regulation, I encourage you to explore co-regulation with those you trust. It’s a powerful way to build connection, calm your nervous system, and create a sense of safety in an often chaotic world.
References
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation.
Zylowska, L. et al. (2008). “Mindfulness meditation improves attention, cognitive flexibility, and emotional regulation in adults with ADHD.” Focus, 6(4), 534-542.
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