By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP
Clinical Director, Myndset Therapeutics
In relationships, the pressure to be "perfect" can create tension, misunderstandings, and unmet expectations. This is especially true when behavioral changes are necessary—whether it’s communicating better, being more reliable, or meeting your partner’s needs. The truth is, no one is perfect, and striving for perfection often leads to feelings of inadequacy and resentment.
Instead of aiming for perfection, relationships thrive when partners act with intention. Being intentional means consciously choosing actions that align with your values, goals, and the well-being of your relationship. This is especially relevant for neurodivergent individuals (those with ADHD, autism, or other forms of neurodivergence), who may face unique challenges in maintaining relationships but can benefit greatly from adopting an intentional mindset.
Let’s explore the differences between perfection and intentionality, the challenges they create in relationships, and practical tips for fostering intentional behavior.
The Problem with Perfection
Striving for perfection in relationships can lead to:
Unrealistic Expectations: Perfection assumes you will never make mistakes, which is impossible. This often results in disappointment and feelings of failure.
Avoidance of Vulnerability: When you focus on being perfect, you may avoid open communication or admitting when you’re wrong, for fear of judgment.
Exhaustion and Burnout: Constantly trying to be perfect drains your energy and can leave you feeling resentful of your partner or relationship.
Missed Opportunities for Growth: Mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. Perfectionism prevents you from embracing these moments.
The Power of Intention
Acting with intention in relationships means being purposeful and mindful of your actions. Intention focuses on effort rather than flawless execution. For example:
Perfection is saying, “I’ll never raise my voice again.”
Intention is saying, “I’ll work on communicating calmly and take a break if I feel overwhelmed.”
For neurodivergent individuals, intentionality can help navigate challenges like emotional regulation, impulsivity, or misunderstandings. For instance, an ADHD partner may struggle to remember important dates but can show intention by setting reminders or making an effort to plan ahead.
5 Tips for Being Intentional Instead of Perfect
1. Focus on Effort, Not Outcomes
Rather than trying to achieve a flawless result, prioritize showing up and making an effort. Your partner will value your commitment over perfection.
Try This: If you forget something important, acknowledge it and take steps to improve, such as setting calendar alerts or using a shared app like Google Calendar.
Research Insight: Mindfulness-based strategies help individuals focus on the present moment and reduce perfectionist tendencies (Gu et al., 2015).
2. Communicate Openly and Honestly
Intention means admitting when you’ve made a mistake or when something isn’t working. Honesty builds trust and demonstrates care for the relationship.
Try This: Instead of hiding your forgetfulness or impulsive behavior, talk about it. For example: “I know I struggle with remembering plans. Can we work together to find a system that helps us both?”
Neurodivergent Context: Open communication can help neurodivergent individuals and their partners understand each other’s needs and create solutions.
3. Align Actions with Values
Intentional behavior stems from aligning your actions with your values. For instance, if you value quality time, prioritize it—even in small ways like putting your phone away during conversations.
Try This: Write down three values that matter most to you in your relationship, and brainstorm ways to act on them.
Research Insight: Values-based action improves relationship satisfaction by fostering meaningful connection (Harris, 2009).
4. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Mistakes are inevitable, but how you respond to them matters. Apologizing and making amends demonstrates growth and intentionality.
Try This: When a mistake happens, reflect on what led to it and how you can prevent it in the future.
Example: If you interrupt your partner during a conversation, acknowledge it and make an effort to listen more attentively next time.
5. Create Small, Manageable Goals
Big, abstract goals like “be a better partner” can feel overwhelming, especially for neurodivergent individuals. Break them into smaller, specific steps that feel achievable.
Try This: Instead of “communicate better,” set a goal like “ask my partner about their day once a week.”
Neurodivergent Context: ADHD brains thrive on short-term, achievable goals that provide immediate feedback and reinforcement (Barkley, 2021).
Why Intentionality Strengthens Relationships
When partners act with intention, they:
Show Commitment: Effort and mindfulness signal that the relationship is important to you.
Foster Understanding: Intentionality encourages empathy and collaboration, even when challenges arise.
Build Resilience: Relationships built on intentional actions are better equipped to navigate conflict and change.
Neurodivergent individuals often bring unique perspectives, creativity, and passion to relationships. When these qualities are channeled with intention, they can become incredible strengths.
Final Thoughts
The goal in relationships isn’t to be perfect; it’s to show up with intention. By focusing on effort, open communication, and meaningful actions, you can build stronger, more fulfilling connections.
Remember, no one is flawless—but with intentionality, we can all grow, learn, and nurture the relationships that matter most.
References
Barkley, R. A. (2021). Taking Charge of Adult ADHD: Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work, at Home, and in Relationships. Guilford Press.
Gu, J., Strauss, C., Bond, R., & Cavanagh, K. (2015). How mindfulness reduces anxiety, depression, and stress: A meta-analysis of the mechanisms of change. Clinical Psychology Review, 37, 1-12.
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
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