By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS
Being AuDHD—a blend of Autism and ADHD—is living with intensity. My world vibrates with details that others often overlook, creating experiences that are deeply enriching yet also profoundly challenging. The intersection of these two neurodivergences crafts a life filled with beauty and pain, each day a balance between thriving and simply surviving.
Every day is an adventure into sensory details and emotional experiences. Colors seem brighter, sounds crisper, and emotions deeper, giving me an appreciation for nuances others might miss. I can become completely absorbed in my passions, losing myself joyfully in hyperfocus. But with these heightened perceptions also come overwhelm and exhaustion. The world frequently feels too loud, too bright, too much.
Polyvagal Theory (PVT), developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains the paradox I live in. My nervous system continuously scans for signs of safety or threat through a process known as neuroception. For those with AuDHD, this scanning is hyperactive, turning ordinary situations into complex puzzles of safety versus threat. Everyday experiences can quickly become overwhelming, activating my fight-or-flight response and making routine interactions emotionally exhausting.
Daily life oscillates between profound beauty and acute distress. On good days, I experience remarkable clarity, motivation, and joy. My creativity feels boundless, ideas flow effortlessly, and I'm deeply engaged with my surroundings. These days grant me psychological flexibility, enabling me to adapt gracefully to unexpected changes and challenges. It's as though my sensory intensity illuminates life with brilliant color and vibrant emotion, transforming even the mundane into something extraordinary. My imagination is brighter and more vibrant during these periods, bringing forth vivid, richly detailed ideas and images. Creativity flows effortlessly, making me feel deeply connected to the beauty of my internal world.
However, on tough days, the world shifts dramatically. Motivation evaporates, replaced by overwhelming exhaustion and sensory overload. Tasks that felt effortless become insurmountable. My emotional and cognitive flexibility disappears, leaving me rigid, anxious, and struggling to cope with even minor disruptions. Unlike conditions such as bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder, these fluctuations aren't cyclical or triggered by interpersonal stressors or mood swings; rather, they are spontaneous shifts driven by neurological sensitivity, entirely beyond my control. It’s this unpredictability that often makes the intensity both beautiful and painfully difficult.
Social interactions are especially complex. I genuinely crave connection, but my sensory and emotional sensitivity makes relationships difficult to navigate. Maintaining eye contact, processing conversations in real-time, and decoding social cues require immense energy. Sometimes, despite my deep desire for closeness, these interactions overwhelm my sensory system, causing my words to falter and my heart to ache from misunderstood interactions.
Research confirms my lived experience, showing that autistic adults with co-occurring ADHD often face intensified sensory and emotional dysregulation (Marco et al., 2011). This combination magnifies both the joy and the difficulty of living neurodivergently.
Yet despite these challenges, there's profound beauty in being AuDHD. My sensitivity gifts me with an extraordinary depth of empathy, creativity, and intuition. My vivid emotional landscape allows me to empathize deeply with others' struggles and joys, enhancing my work as a therapist.
My daily life is a careful dance of balance—between stimulation and rest, excitement and overwhelm. I’ve learned to honor my nervous system’s limits, embracing strategies like sensory-friendly environments, clear routines, grounding techniques, and intentional solitude. Despite the immense struggles, I would never choose to be anything other than AuDHD. The beauty, the intensity, and the profound joy and love that I feel because of my neurodivergence are invaluable. Ultimately, I view being AuDHD as a gift—one that I'm continually learning to navigate and cherish.
Living as AuDHD means embracing both the richness and complexity of life. By openly sharing our experiences, we can build deeper understanding and compassion, creating a world that acknowledges our intensity not as a deficit but as a beautiful, powerful aspect of our authentic selves.
References:
Marco, E. J., Hinkley, L. B., Hill, S. S., & Nagarajan, S. S. (2011). Sensory processing in autism: A review of neurophysiologic findings. Pediatric Research, 69(5), 48R-54R. https://doi.org/10.1203/PDR.0b013e3182130c54
Porges, S. W. (2021). Polyvagal Theory: A biobehavioral journey. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 6, 100041. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpnec.2021.10004121.100041
Comments