Learning to See Myself: Mirroring and the Autistic Adult Experience

By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS

For many autistic adults—myself included—life can sometimes feel like a stage we never auditioned for. We memorize scripts, rehearse facial expressions, and adopt mannerisms not because they come naturally, but because they’re expected. This phenomenon is known as mirroring—an adaptive survival strategy where we unconsciously or consciously mimic others to navigate a neurotypical world.

But what happens when mirroring becomes our default mode of existence? What do we lose in the pursuit of blending in?

What Is Mirroring?

Mirroring is a social behavior observed in both neurotypical and neurodivergent people. In psychology, it refers to the unconscious imitation of gestures, speech patterns, and attitudes. For autistic individuals, however, mirroring often goes far beyond social mimicry—it becomes a deeply ingrained mask crafted for acceptance, safety, and belonging.

From a young age, many of us learn that authenticity can invite ridicule, confusion, or even punishment. So we watch. We study. We mimic. This is especially common in late-diagnosed autistic adults, who spent formative years trying to decode the world around them without knowing why they felt different.

Mirroring is often mistaken for social competence, but it’s more akin to a performance—one that can become emotionally exhausting over time (Hull et al., 2017).

Why Do Autistic Adults Mirror?

Several factors contribute to mirroring in autistic adults:

Safety: In a world that often misunderstands autism, mirroring helps reduce the risk of rejection or conflict.
Acceptance: Many of us crave connection, and mirroring can act as a bridge when social norms feel foreign.
Employment and Survival: In work or professional settings, mirroring can be essential for maintaining employment or avoiding ableist assumptions about capability.
Habit: For those diagnosed later in life, mirroring may have become so habitual that it's hard to distinguish from identity.

The Hidden Cost of Camouflage

The research is clear: chronic masking and mirroring can lead to increased rates of anxiety, depression, burnout, and a phenomenon known as autistic fatigue—a deep, persistent exhaustion from constant self-monitoring and adaptation (Raymaker et al., 2020; Botha & Frost, 2020).

The toll isn’t just emotional. Physically, the body remains in a heightened state of sympathetic nervous system arousal—what Polyvagal Theory refers to as a state of chronic fight-or-flight (Porges, 2011). In this state, our bodies are more prone to inflammation, immune dysregulation, and exhaustion. We can lose touch with our true feelings, our desires, and even our sense of identity.

For many of us, realizing that we’ve been mirroring for decades can feel like grief. Who am I, really? What do I like? How do I act when I’m safe?

Reclaiming Autistic Authenticity

There’s a quiet revolution happening. Autistic adults are unmasking—some gradually, others all at once. We’re beginning to recognize that our authenticity isn’t a liability. It’s a form of resistance. It’s a form of healing.

Reclaiming who we are means creating spaces where safety is internal, not just environmental. It means honoring our sensory needs, practicing co-regulation with supportive people, and tuning into our own nervous systems.

For me, this healing began with understanding the polyvagal ladder. I learned to recognize when I was stuck in sympathetic activation—hyper-vigilant and mirroring—and when I could climb toward ventral vagal safety, where social engagement felt natural and grounded (Dana, 2018).

From Mirroring to Meaning

The goal isn’t to “stop mirroring” entirely. In fact, all humans mirror to some extent. But the difference lies in choice. Autistic authenticity isn’t about rejecting connection—it’s about connecting without abandoning ourselves.

If you’ve spent your life mirroring, it’s not your fault. You were surviving. And now, perhaps, you’re ready to begin living—on your own terms.

Tips for Moving Toward Authenticity

Notice the Mask: Practice journaling or using a nervous system tracker to log when you feel you're "on stage."
Practice Safe Expression: Find one space—therapy, a friend, your own home—where you can drop the mask and see what comes up.
Tune In, Not Out: Use mindfulness, somatic exercises, or sensory grounding to reconnect with your body’s internal cues.
Redefine Social Success: Start valuing connections where you feel safe and seen, not just those where you “performed well.”
Forgive the Mirror: You mirrored to survive. That deserves compassion, not shame.

A Final Word

Unmasking doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gentle unraveling. But as we move from mimicry to meaning, we gain something priceless: ourselves. And that version—the authentic, unmirrored, beautifully autistic version—is always worth knowing.

References

Botha, M., & Frost, D. M. (2020). Autistic masking and mental health: A scoping review. Autism in Adulthood, 2(3), 233–245.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Norton & Company.
Hull, L., et al. (2017). "Putting on my best normal": Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton & Company.
Raymaker, D. M., et al. (2020). "Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew": Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143.

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