By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS
Clinical Director, Myndset Therapeutics
As an autistic therapist specializing in neurodivergent adults—and as someone with both Autism and ADHD (AuDHD)—I understand firsthand the social challenges that come with being wired differently. Many autistic adults, including myself, experience social interactions as overwhelming, confusing, and exhausting. Conversations can feel disorienting, small talk can be draining, and the social world often operates on unspoken rules that seem impossible to decode.
These experiences are not due to a lack of social interest or an inherent "deficit." Instead, they stem from differences in nervous system regulation, sensory processing, and neurobiological responses to social engagement. Using the Polyvagal Theory, we can better understand why social interactions feel the way they do for autistic individuals and explore strategies that support rather than force neurotypical socialization.
The Polyvagal Lens: Why Socialization Feels Different for Autistic Adults
Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory (PVT) explains how the autonomic nervous system regulates our responses to social interactions. According to PVT, the nervous system shifts between three primary states:
Ventral Vagal (Social Engagement State): A regulated state where communication feels natural, safe, and connected.
Sympathetic (Fight-or-Flight State): A state of heightened alertness, where social interactions may feel stressful or overwhelming.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown State): A state of withdrawal or dissociation, where interactions may feel too exhausting to engage in.
For many autistic adults, social interactions trigger the sympathetic or dorsal vagal response rather than ventral vagal engagement. This means that rather than feeling safe and connected, we may experience socializing as overstimulating, anxiety-inducing, or even physically draining.
How Autism Affects Social Communication Through a Polyvagal Lens
1. Social Anxiety & the Fight-or-Flight Response
Many autistic adults experience heightened autonomic arousal during social interactions. This can manifest as:
Rapid heart rate or shallow breathing in conversations.
Difficulty processing spoken language in real-time.
Feeling a need to "escape" social situations.
This reaction isn't about "not wanting to socialize"—it's a nervous system response that interprets social settings as unpredictable or unsafe.
2. Cognitive Overload & the Shutdown Response
Autistic individuals often process sensory and social cues differently than neurotypicals. When social interactions demand too much rapid processing (e.g., reading facial expressions, maintaining eye contact, decoding tone), the nervous system may shift into a shutdown state. This can look like:
Going blank mid-conversation.
Feeling mentally foggy or unable to respond.
Suddenly losing energy and struggling to stay present.
In these moments, the nervous system is prioritizing self-preservation rather than social engagement.
3. Difficulty Interpreting Social Cues
Traditional social models often assume that autistic individuals "lack social skills." In reality, we have different social skills—ones that are often overlooked. Autistic adults may struggle with:
Reading microexpressions and subtle social cues.
Understanding unspoken social rules that neurotypicals intuitively follow.
Recognizing indirect communication (sarcasm, implied meanings, vague language).
This doesn’t mean autistic individuals cannot connect socially—it means we often connect differently and may need clarity, directness, and more processing time.
Why Traditional Social Skills Training Falls Short
Many approaches to autistic socialization focus on masking and compliance-based interventions (e.g., ABA techniques, social scripts). While these methods may teach how to mimic neurotypical social behavior, they often ignore the underlying nervous system response and the emotional toll of masking.
Instead of forcing autistic individuals to fit into neurotypical social norms, we should focus on creating environments where the nervous system feels safe enough to engage naturally.
Regulating the Nervous System for Authentic Social Connection
Socialization doesn’t have to feel like a battle. Using nervous system-based strategies, we can move toward social interactions that feel safe, manageable, and fulfilling.
1. Co-Regulation Before Socialization
Many autistic individuals struggle with self-regulation in social settings. This means that instead of immediately trying to engage, it helps to first co-regulate with a trusted person, pet, or environment.
Co-regulation strategies include:
Engaging in deep pressure input (weighted blankets, firm hugs).
Using vocal toning (humming, singing, or listening to calming voices).
Spending time with familiar, trusted people before entering new social settings.
By activating the ventral vagal system, social interactions become easier and less anxiety-provoking.
2. Sensory Considerations in Social Spaces
Many autistic adults experience sensory overload in social settings. To make interactions more manageable:
Choose low-stimulation environments (quiet cafés, nature walks, small gatherings).
Regulate sensory input (noise-canceling headphones, fidget tools, sunglasses).
Communicate sensory needs upfront (letting others know if a space is too loud or overwhelming).
By adjusting the environment rather than forcing adaptation, socializing becomes more sustainable.
3. Self-Paced Socialization
Rather than feeling pressured to conform to neurotypical expectations of constant socialization, autistic adults benefit from self-paced social engagement.
This may include:
Text-based or asynchronous communication instead of real-time conversations.
Intentional rest periods before and after social events.
Selective socialization—prioritizing relationships that feel nourishing rather than draining.
By respecting the nervous system's capacity, socialization can become a choice rather than an obligation.
Embracing Neurodivergent Social Styles
Autistic adults are social—just in ways that differ from neurotypical norms. Instead of framing autistic socialization as "deficient," we should validate and accommodate different communication styles.
Some autistic individuals thrive in deep, focused conversations rather than small talk.
Many prefer text-based interactions over in-person dialogue.
Some engage best in structured, predictable social settings rather than spontaneous gatherings.
By shifting the focus from forcing conformity to supporting authenticity, we create a world where autistic individuals can socialize in ways that feel safe, fulfilling, and natural.
At Myndset Therapeutics, I help autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD adults navigate social challenges in a way that honors their neurobiology rather than working against it. If you’re struggling with socialization and need support, you’re not alone—and there are strategies that can help.
References
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712.
Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: the 'double empathy problem'. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
Dana, D. (2020). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Griffin, N. T., & Pollak, D. (2009). Working memory performance in autism and its relationship to language. Autism Research, 2(4), 188–197.
For more resources or to schedule a consultation, visit www.myndset-therapeutics.com.
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