As a therapist specializing in adult ADHD—and someone who lives with it—I’ve experienced firsthand how emotions can sometimes feel overwhelming, even unmanageable. For many adults with ADHD, the combination of heightened emotional sensitivity, thought loops, and fight-or-flight responses can make emotions seem like something to avoid or suppress. But here’s the truth: allowing ourselves to feel our feelings is not just important—it’s essential.
By leaning into our emotions rather than avoiding them, we can build emotional resilience, breaking free from the cycles of stress and overwhelm that so often accompany ADHD. Let’s explore why this works, how Polyvagal Theory sheds light on emotional regulation, and practical ways to start embracing your feelings.
Why ADHD Makes Emotional Regulation Challenging
ADHD is often described as a disorder of self-regulation, and that includes emotional regulation. Here’s why managing emotions can feel especially hard for adults with ADHD:
Heightened Sensitivity: Many adults with ADHD experience emotions more intensely, which can make even small setbacks feel overwhelming.
Fight-or-Flight Triggers: ADHD often keeps the nervous system on high alert, making it easy to become stuck in fight-or-flight mode.
Thought Loops: ADHD brains love to ruminate, replaying situations and emotions over and over, which can amplify feelings of anxiety or frustration.
Avoidance Patterns: When emotions feel too intense, it’s common to shut them down or distract ourselves, which delays processing and healing.
The result? We often carry unresolved emotions that build up over time, leaving us feeling stuck, reactive, and disconnected from ourselves.
What Happens When We Suppress Feelings?
Avoiding feelings might seem like a quick fix, but it often has long-term consequences, especially for those of us with ADHD. Suppression can:
Prolong Stress: Suppressing emotions keeps the nervous system in fight-or-flight mode, making it harder to calm down.
Increase Thought Loops: Unprocessed feelings often resurface as intrusive thoughts or rumination.
Dysregulate the Body: Suppressed emotions can manifest as tension, fatigue, or other physical symptoms, as the body holds onto unresolved stress.
Research shows that suppressing emotions can lead to heightened physiological stress responses and decreased emotional resilience over time. (Gross & Levenson, 1997)
Polyvagal Theory and the Power of Feeling Your Feelings
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory provides a framework for understanding why feeling our emotions is key to regulation and resilience. The theory describes how our nervous system operates in three primary states:
Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection): This is the state where we feel calm, grounded, and emotionally present.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): This state is activated during stress, leading to heightened arousal, anxiety, or anger.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): When stress becomes too much, the nervous system may shift into a state of numbness or disconnection.
When we suppress feelings, we often get stuck in sympathetic or dorsal vagal states, unable to return to the ventral vagal state where healing occurs. By allowing ourselves to feel emotions fully, we signal to the nervous system that it’s safe to process and move through the experience.
How Feeling Your Feelings Builds Emotional Resilience
Emotional resilience is the ability to recover from stress or adversity. For adults with ADHD, building resilience means learning to sit with and process emotions rather than being overwhelmed or avoiding them. Here’s how feeling your feelings helps:
Reduces Thought Loops: Processing emotions allows the brain to “complete the loop,” reducing rumination and mental clutter.
Regulates the Nervous System: Fully experiencing emotions helps the body return to a calm, ventral vagal state.
Strengthens Self-Trust: Allowing yourself to feel builds confidence in your ability to handle emotions, fostering greater emotional stability over time.
Improves Relationships: When we process our emotions, we’re better able to communicate and connect with others.
Research suggests that emotional acceptance, rather than avoidance, is linked to improved mental health and increased resilience. (Campbell-Sills et al., 2006)
Practical Strategies for Feeling Your Feelings
For adults with ADHD, allowing yourself to feel emotions can feel daunting, especially if you’re used to avoiding or suppressing them. Here are some practical strategies to help you get started:
1. Pause and Name the Feeling
When emotions arise, pause and identify what you’re feeling. Naming emotions—whether it’s sadness, frustration, or joy—helps to validate the experience and reduce its intensity.
2. Use Somatic Grounding Techniques
Engage your body to help process emotions:
Place your feet flat on the ground and feel the connection to the floor.
Take deep, slow breaths, focusing on your exhale.
Gently tap your chest or thighs to create a sense of rhythm and grounding.
These techniques help calm the nervous system, making it easier to stay present with your feelings.
3. Practice Curiosity Over Judgment
Instead of labeling emotions as “bad” or “good,” approach them with curiosity. Ask yourself:
“What is this emotion trying to tell me?”
“Where do I feel it in my body?”
This mindset shift helps you view emotions as information rather than threats.
4. Write It Out
Journaling is a powerful tool for processing feelings. ADHD brains often struggle to hold onto multiple thoughts at once, and writing can help organize and externalize emotions.
5. Set a Time Limit for Rumination
If you notice yourself stuck in a thought loop, set a timer for 10 minutes to fully explore the emotion. Afterward, engage in a grounding or distracting activity to break the cycle.
6. Seek Support
Sometimes, emotions feel too big to process alone. Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can provide the co-regulation needed to process feelings safely.
A Personal Note on Feeling Your Feelings
As someone with ADHD, I know how tempting it can be to distract myself from emotions when they feel overwhelming. But over time, I’ve learned that leaning into my feelings—whether by journaling, grounding, or simply sitting with the discomfort—always leaves me feeling lighter and more in control. Allowing myself to feel isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most powerful ways I’ve found to build resilience and calm the storms of life.
Final Thoughts
Feeling your feelings is not about indulging in negativity—it’s about honoring your emotional experience and giving your nervous system what it needs to heal and grow. For adults with ADHD, this practice is especially important, helping to break cycles of thought looping, regulate the nervous system, and foster emotional resilience.
If you’re ready to start building emotional resilience by embracing your feelings, take it one step at a time. Remember, every emotion you process is a step toward healing and growth. You’ve got this—and you’re not alone on the journey.
References
Gross, J. J., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). "Hiding feelings: The acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion." Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), 95-103.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation.
Campbell-Sills, L., et al. (2006). "Emotion regulation in current and remitted depression: A mixed methods study." Behavior Research and Therapy, 44(5), 745-764.
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