Autism and Empathy: The Myth That Missed the Mark

By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, ASDCS

For decades, one of the most harmful and persistent myths about autism has been this: “Autistic people lack empathy.”

I hear this in clinical settings. I see it in outdated educational resources. And many of my own clients—beautiful, deeply feeling neurodivergent adults—have internalized this narrative and wonder, “Am I broken?”

Let me say this as clearly as I can: Autistic people are not devoid of empathy. In fact, many of us feel so much that it overwhelms us.

So where did this myth come from? And why is it finally being challenged?

Let’s unpack it.

The Origins of a Harmful Myth

The idea that autistic individuals lack empathy largely stemmed from early psychological theories that equated outward expressions of emotion with inner emotional experience. When autistic children or adults didn’t respond in expected ways—didn’t mirror facial expressions, use typical social cues, or say the “right” comforting thing—it was misinterpreted as not feeling anything at all.

This interpretation was rooted in a neurotypical lens, one that failed to recognize that expression is not the same as experience.

Autistic people often experience intense emotional resonance—sometimes too intensely. But we may struggle with:

• Alexithymia, or difficulty identifying and describing our own emotions (Bird & Cook, 2013)

• Social anxiety or executive dysfunction, which can make responding in the moment feel paralyzing

• Masking or camouflaging, where we suppress our natural instincts out of fear of being judged

• Sensory overload, which can block emotional processing when our nervous system is overwhelmed

  
  

So no, we’re not lacking empathy. We’re just navigating a world that doesn’t always understand how we process it.

Cognitive vs. Affective Empathy: The Missing Link

Empathy isn’t one thing—it’s actually two interconnected processes:

1. Cognitive empathy: Understanding what someone else is feeling

2. Affective empathy: Feeling with someone emotionally

   
   

Many autistic people excel in affective empathy. We feel deeply, pick up on subtle shifts in others’ energy, and experience what’s often called empathic distress—we hurt when others hurt.

But we may struggle with cognitive empathy, especially when nonverbal cues or social scripts are unclear. That’s not a lack of care—it’s a mismatch in communication.

Neurotypical people often misread this disconnect as coldness. But underneath, many autistic folks are flooded with concern. We just don’t always know how to show it in a way that meets social expectations.

The Empathic Autistic Experience

Autistic empathy can look like:

• Staying up all night worrying about a friend who seemed “off”

• Crying at the pain of fictional characters

• Freezing when someone shares something vulnerable—not because we don’t care, but because we care so much we don’t know what to say

• Avoiding emotional conversations not out of apathy, but self-protection against overwhelm

  
  

Some of us were labeled “too sensitive” as kids. Others were called “robotic.” Both labels missed the truth: We feel. We care. Deeply. We just express it differently.

The Double Empathy Problem

One of the most important developments in recent autism research is the Double Empathy Problem (Milton, 2012).

This theory flips the old narrative on its head. It suggests that communication breakdowns between autistic and neurotypical people aren’t due to a lack of empathy in autistic people—but a mismatch in communication styles and mutual understanding.

In other words, it’s not that autistic people are disconnected—it’s that we're speaking different emotional languages.

Neurotypical people misread autistic expressions, and autistic people struggle to interpret neurotypical social norms. Both sides may feel misunderstood.

Empathy is a two-way street. And we’ve been blaming one side for a detour neither of us built.

When You’ve Been Told You’re Cold

If you’re autistic and have ever been told you're unfeeling, robotic, or uncaring—please hear this: You are not broken. You are not unkind. You are not without empathy.

You likely feel more than most. It just comes out in ways that might not match what others expect.

You may show empathy by offering solutions when someone wants to vent. Or by quietly researching how to help, even if you don’t say a word. Or by needing time to process before you respond. These are valid expressions of care.

You deserve relationships where your empathy is seen, not dismissed because it doesn’t look “normal.”

A Better Narrative

The more we listen to autistic voices, the clearer it becomes:Autistic people do have empathy. Often in abundance.

The world just needs to make space for different ways of showing it.

As a therapist, a human, and an autistic person myself, I believe this shift in understanding is vital. It’s not just about correcting a myth—it’s about healing the damage that myth has done.

Empathy is not about perfection. It’s about connection. And when we widen the lens of what empathy can look like, we make room for all of us to belong.

References

• Bird, G., & Cook, R. (2013). Mixed emotions: The contribution of alexithymia to the emotional symptoms of autism. Translational Psychiatry, 3(7), e285.

• Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.