By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP
Clinical Director of Myndset Therapeutics
The concept of “love bombing” has gained significant attention in recent years, often being linked to narcissistic behaviors and manipulation within relationships. While love bombing can indeed be a tactic of control and dominance in some cases, it is important to explore the nuances of similar behaviors exhibited by individuals with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). For people with ADHD, these actions are typically not about manipulation but arise from their unique emotional and cognitive experiences, particularly difficulties with emotional object permanence and intense relational confidence.
What Is Lovebombing?
Love bombing is a term that describes a pattern of overwhelming someone with excessive affection, attention, or gifts to gain control in a relationship. It is often a hallmark of narcissistic behavior, rooted in a need to dominate the dynamic and create dependency. Love bombing typically involves an intentional cycle of idealization, devaluation, and eventual discard, leaving the recipient emotionally vulnerable and manipulated (Hammond, 2018).
When ADHD Mimics Lovebombing
Although individuals with ADHD may exhibit behaviors that superficially resemble love bombing, the motivations and underlying mechanisms are vastly different. For those with ADHD, these behaviors stem from hyperfocus, impulsivity, and challenges with emotional regulation—not from a desire to control or manipulate.
Hyperfocus on Relationships
One hallmark of ADHD is hyperfocus, a state of intense concentration on tasks, hobbies, or people that provide strong stimulation (Hupfeld et al., 2019). When applied to relationships, this can manifest as intense attention and affection during the early stages of a partnership. This hyperfocus is not about manipulation but reflects the individual’s genuine excitement and connection.
Impulsivity in Expressing Love
ADHD is also characterized by impulsivity, which can lead to spontaneous declarations of love or grand romantic gestures. These behaviors often occur without consideration of long-term consequences and can be overwhelming to a partner. Unlike love bombing, this impulsivity lacks ulterior motives and is instead an unfiltered expression of the individual’s emotions in the moment (American Psychiatric Association, 2022).
Emotional Object Permanence in ADHD
A critical aspect of ADHD that explains intense relational behaviors is the difficulty many individuals face with emotional object permanence. Emotional object permanence refers to the ability to maintain an emotional connection to someone when they are not physically present. For individuals with ADHD, this can feel like the relationship fades when they are apart from their partner, leading to heightened displays of affection when they are together to reaffirm the bond (Sarkis, 2015).
This emotional inconsistency can be misinterpreted as manipulative or overwhelming, but it reflects the ADHD brain’s struggle to regulate emotions and maintain a sense of continuity in relationships.
Emotional Dysregulation and ADHD
Emotional dysregulation is another core feature of ADHD that contributes to the intensity of their relational behaviors. Individuals with ADHD often experience heightened and rapidly shifting emotions, making it challenging to maintain consistent emotional responses (Shaw et al., 2014). This can lead to moments of overwhelming affection that may seem akin to love bombing but are, in reality, unfiltered expressions of emotion without malicious intent.
Key Differences Between ADHD Behaviors and Lovebombing
While love bombing is driven by a need for control and manipulation, ADHD behaviors are rooted in genuine affection and challenges with emotional regulation. The intent behind the actions is a critical distinction. Love bombing aims to dominate, while ADHD-related behaviors reflect an impulsive, sincere desire to connect. Another key difference is how individuals respond to feedback. People with ADHD are generally willing to adjust their behavior when boundaries are discussed, whereas love bombers may resist or disregard such conversations.
How to Support Healthy Relationships with Individuals with ADHD
Building healthy and supportive relationships with individuals with ADHD involves understanding their unique emotional and cognitive processes. Here are some strategies for fostering connection:
• Practice Open Communication: Encourage honest conversations about each partner’s needs and boundaries. ADHD individuals are often receptive to feedback and willing to adjust their behavior when made aware.
• Educate Yourself on ADHD: Understanding the neurological and emotional underpinnings of ADHD can help partners interpret behaviors through a compassionate lens rather than assuming manipulative intent.
• Be Patient with Emotional Dysregulation: Recognize that emotional intensity is part of ADHD and not a reflection of instability or intentional overwhelm. Patience and reassurance can go a long way in maintaining trust.
• Seek Professional Support: ADHD-focused therapy or coaching can help individuals develop strategies for managing emotional dysregulation and impulsivity, while also addressing relational challenges.
Final Thoughts
It is crucial to distinguish between manipulative behaviors like love bombing and the sincere, albeit intense, expressions of affection often seen in individuals with ADHD. While the former seeks to control, the latter stems from a combination of hyperfocus, impulsivity, and challenges with emotional object permanence. Understanding these differences can lead to healthier, more empathetic relationships and reduce the stigma around ADHD relational behaviors.
References
• American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text rev.).
• Hammond, C. (2018). The psychology of love bombing in relationships. Journal of Interpersonal Relationships, 12(3), 45-56.
• Hupfeld, K. E., Abagis, T. R., & Shah, P. (2019). Living “in the zone”: Hyperfocus in adult ADHD. Current Psychology, 38(6), 1450-1458.
• Sarkis, S. (2015). ADHD and Relationships: Insights for Emotional Regulation. New York: HarperCollins.
• Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotional dysregulation in attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276-293.
About the Author
Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP, is a licensed mental health professional and the Clinical Director of Myndset Therapeutics. With a specialization in ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder, Tim combines evidence-based practices and compassionate care to support neurodivergent individuals in thriving within their relationships and personal lives.
Super interesting