By Tim Aiello, MA, LPC, NCC, ADHD-CCSP
Clinical Director, Myndset Therapeutics
Holiday parties at other people’s homes can be overwhelming for ADHDers. Between sensory overload, social dynamics, and the pressure to engage, these events can leave you feeling dysregulated. One effective way to navigate these challenges is by co-regulating with a safe person—a trusted individual who helps you maintain emotional and physiological balance.
Grounded in Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), co-regulation is the process of using connection with another person to activate the ventral vagal system, promoting a sense of safety and calm. This article offers 10 evidence-based strategies for co-regulating with your safe person at holiday gatherings, allowing you to stay grounded and enjoy the festivities.
1. Create a Pre-Party Plan Together
Discuss your needs and triggers with your safe person before the event. Identify potential stressors (e.g., noise, unfamiliar faces) and agree on strategies to address them.
Why It Works: Planning activates the ventral vagal system by reducing uncertainty, a common stressor for ADHDers (Porges, 2011).
Try This: Create a simple checklist of coping strategies, such as designated quiet spaces or an agreed-upon signal for when you need a break.
2. Use a Nonverbal Signal for Support
Establish a subtle, nonverbal cue—like a hand squeeze or eye contact—that signals when you need reassurance or grounding.
Why It Works: Nonverbal cues engage the social engagement system, fostering connection and safety without drawing attention (Dana, 2018).
Try This: Practice the signal in a low-stress environment so it feels natural during the party.
3. Find a Quiet Space Together
If the environment becomes overwhelming, retreat to a quieter area with your safe person. Reducing sensory input can help calm your nervous system.
Why It Works: Quiet spaces reduce activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which governs the fight-or-flight response (Corkum et al., 2011).
Try This: Identify potential quiet spots (e.g., a guest bedroom or patio) before the event and use them as needed.
4. Use Shared Breathing Techniques
Engage in deep breathing exercises together to regulate your nervous system. Breathing slowly and deeply activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting calm.
Why It Works: Co-regulated breathing aligns physiological rhythms, enhancing connection and relaxation (Porges, 2011).
Try This: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, and exhale for 6 seconds. Synchronize your breathing with your safe person for added benefit.
5. Engage in Social Buffering
Let your safe person help ease social interactions by introducing you to others or helping you navigate conversations.
Why It Works: Social buffering reduces stress and enhances your sense of belonging, activating the ventral vagal system (Hostinar et al., 2015).
Try This: Ask your safe person to stay with you during introductions or act as a conversational partner in group settings.
6. Share Sensory Regulation Tools
Bring sensory-friendly items (e.g., fidget tools, noise-canceling headphones) and use them together if needed.
Why It Works: Shared sensory regulation tools provide grounding and reduce overstimulation, a common challenge for ADHDers in crowded environments (Barkley, 2021).
Try This: Keep items discreetly in a bag or pocket and agree on when and how to use them.
7. Practice Humming or Singing
Engage in low-key vocalizations like humming or singing a familiar tune with your safe person. This activates the vagus nerve and promotes relaxation.
Why It Works: Humming and singing stimulate the ventral vagal system, helping you transition out of fight-or-flight mode (Dana, 2018).
Try This: Hum softly together in a quiet corner or during a car ride to the event.
8. Mirror Each Other’s Movements
Subtly mirror your safe person’s posture or gestures. This creates a sense of synchrony and reinforces your connection.
Why It Works: Mirroring behaviors enhance social bonding and calm the nervous system (Prochazkova & Kret, 2017).
Try This: If they lean against a wall or cross their arms, gently do the same.
9. Take Breaks to Check In
Step away from the crowd periodically to check in with your safe person. Use these moments to share how you’re feeling and adjust your strategies as needed.
Why It Works: Frequent check-ins reduce overwhelm and allow for real-time adjustments to your co-regulation plan (Dana, 2018).
Try This: Set a timer or agree to meet at regular intervals during the party.
10. Debrief After the Event
Once the party is over, discuss what worked and what didn’t. Reflecting together strengthens your co-regulation strategies for future events.
Why It Works: Debriefing helps consolidate positive experiences and reinforces the connection with your safe person (Porges, 2011).
Try This: Focus on specific successes, such as navigating a tough conversation or taking a well-timed break.
Final Thoughts
Co-regulation with a safe person is a powerful tool for navigating the challenges of holiday parties, especially for ADHDers. By leaning into intentional strategies grounded in the Polyvagal Theory, you can foster a sense of safety, connection, and calm—even in overwhelming environments.
Remember, the goal isn’t to be perfect but to find moments of balance and connection. With these 10 tips, you and your safe person can create a co-regulation plan that helps you thrive during the holiday season.
References
Barkley, R. A. (2021). Taking Charge of Adult ADHD: Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work, at Home, and in Relationships. Guilford Press.
Corkum, P., et al. (2011). Sleep and ADHD: An evidence-based guide to assessment and treatment. Behavior Therapy, 42(4), 622-634.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Hostinar, C. E., et al. (2015). Social buffering of stress through social support. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(3), 187-193.
Prochazkova, E., & Kret, M. E. (2017). Connecting through mimicry: Shared physiological states during social interactions. Current Opinion in Psychology, 17, 11-16.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
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